The default

Squirt makes a friend

Today my son made a friend. He did it while sitting in his car seat scarfing down his first ever Bacon, Egg, and Cheese biscuit (From Bojangles, naturally) with me, Grandma, and a neurotic dog that can't be left alone in a car. His new friend was a tatted up black dude with a durag getting out of a rust bucket. Someone some might consider, at first glance, to be a "gangster." Squirt gave a big goofy grin and waved at him as he went into Bojangles, and he waved at him again when he came out to get something he forgot in the car, and again when he went back in, and finally waved at him through the window a minute later.

The dude waved back initially with a kind of shy smile. Like he wasn't sure it was cool. Anyways, after my mom and I figured out what was going on and gave dude our own answering grins he grew more confident and by the final wave through the window he had his own goofy grin and was showing his friend the little punk in the car seat.

But I can understand dude's hesitance. I'm careful myself to not smile at kids if I don't have Squirt with me to make me "safe." I learned this hesitance in college back in my long-haired days when I sported 5 facial piercings. I remember once leaning around a middle-aged lady to hand a gas station attendant cash, at the attendant's request, while someone else helped the lady. The terror in her eyes when she glanced at me, physically jumped away, and watched me like a rabid dog was depressing and something I'll never forget. It's a hell of a reaction to a smile from me. Still, I suspect this dude would know exactly the look I'm talking about.

But Squirt didn't care. He's newly brave enough to make friends with strangers and, dammit, that means anybody.

Then, not two minutes later, I had another surprise. Squirt said, "Dad, that guy looks just like you!" about another customer leaving Bojangles. Well, yes, said guy has glasses and could afford to lose a *cough* couple *cough* pounds. Yes, the guy also is losing his hair and cuts it real close because what the hell else you gonna do? And, yes, he forgot to shave today as well. Most people, however, probably wouldn't say a very dark-skinned black guy and a tan white guy look just alike.

But Squirt didn't notice that detail. Everything else WAS alike so, yes, we did look very similar.

I've been thinking about these two encounters all day and into this night. I vacillated on telling these stories quite a bit. Some might construe this as me humble bragging about my kid and how I'm raising him. Others might construe this as some "identity politics" thing and I'm pushing an agenda. I finally decided that, sure, that could happen...but that's going to say more about you, Dear Reader, than it will about me. Just like the lady jumping away from me said something about her.

Because, at his age, I don't think we've done anything special beyond...you know...not being raging bigots in our house and, really, that's kind of a low bar to brag about clearing. And I don't think it's identity politics because...you know...he's four fucking years old.

No, what Squirt showed me today was what I've been referring to all day in my head as the "Default." Now, I knew about this Default intellectually. I understood that children don't really notice race, or social class, or style, or political affiliation, or religious differences without being taught. I understand that finding the "Other" to be afraid of is a learned thing. But today really drove it home.

The tatted up dude made eye contact so he's friend material. The big dude walking out with his biscuits looks like his dad. You're not wrong, kid.

The Default is nothing more than realizing the person walking into Bojangles is just another person ping-ponging through life that needs a biscuit like you do. They smile, and cry, and win, and lose. Just like I do. They have a mom. They have a family and friends. They are a universe unto themselves, just like anyone else. A four year old just GETS that, and a forty-year-old has LOST it. I dunno when we all lost it but now we can all find the Other. The person who doesn't share our politics, or the person that doesn't look like us, or the person who's attracted to the wrong gender, or the person that likes guns, or the person who doesn't share our religion, or the person that doesn't eat dead animals. Seriously, though, that last one? I struggle.

Every single adult in the world has left the position they started with, and that just kind of sucks. I wish we'd all try harder to get back there. Just because something is unattainable doesn't mean we shouldn't strive.

Anyways.

I love that my kid teaches me new ways to see the world and tonight I just wanted to write about it.

Squirt Says…(Six years after the event)

This is why we should treat everyone equally no matter Race ,Gender ,or Anything else the world would be a much better place if that was the case.