The Same Direction
Something to hold on to
Dad Note: This one is a little different.
A big part of this Substack is about talking to Squirt and getting him introduced to ideas that don’t necessarily fall into a person’s lap normally. This piece is something I’m making public that meets that criterion. Simply put, this is about showing Squirt in writing what Spouse and I live in front of him — namely that a romantic relationship is about partnership — and that is something I don’t think shows up enough in the world.
The living matters more, but the recognition of the concept in public is still important.
I posted this quote a decade ago on Facebook, and I wish I could get back in the headspace of the early-thirties kid that posted it then:
Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Thinking back, we were about to close on our first house and we were halfway through our pregnancy with Squirt. Today I think it resonates even more because we’ve crammed another decade’s worth of living into our time together. We’ve now passed over 20 years together. Half of it as parents, and half just us two against the world. Disagreements, love, smiles, and cries.
At this point I think the standard junk usually gets trotted out. “Marriage is work, marriage is compromise, etc.” And, I mean, sure that stuff is there but that’s not really my bag. I think, for me, the reason I’ve had such a wonderful twenty years with my best friend in the world is that we’ve almost always looked in the same direction.
I like to think that this is rare. It’s easy to find someone to look in the same direction for a bit of time, but I think figuring out how to do it for decades is pretty tough.
We’ve had to adjust our sight lines when needed. I guess you could call that “compromise” but I don’t really think it fits because that word carries with it an expectation that you’re accepting something less. In a compromise, everybody gets something but nobody really got what they want. I’m not sure that’s how it works for us. Instead I think that we just want the other person to have what they want more than whatever we wanted originally? We weren’t looking in the same place but we want to be. So one of us adjusts. I feel like we both do that, but I guess maybe I should check in and make sure.
But we are, and have always been, a team. Us against the world. Us raising Squirt together. Us making every big decision together. We are, before anything else, partners. Looking back, some of our bad decisions tended to be stuff where we didn’t lean into that “together” as much as we should have but we have the amazing life we do because we’ve been looking in the same direction. I’m incredibly thankful for that and happy with my life for exactly that reason.
And that’s not to say there aren’t frustrations, because of course there are. We disagree about things, and we argue about silly shit, and we snap at each other. But through all the ups and downs and tribulations of moving through this life together...we’ve always been looking in the same direction.
Yes! I am headless! I’m keeping this image because I love it!
Heading up on 30 years here (1998) and I couldn't agree more with this. And yes from what I see around us it is suprisingly rare. Im not sure why, it seems the obviously way to be, but to each their own I guess.