You can keep your luxury hotel

I'd rather have breakfast

As I carried my trash bag of dirty clothes through the lobby of the high-end luxury hotel I couldn’t help but just be glad to be done with this fucking “Experience.” Next time I’m going to my Hampton Inn & Suites, goddammit. There was one right next door to this snooty shithole, I know good goddamn well that they would have had breakfast for me this morning without an up charge or a side-eye glance or a sniff. Though, granted, I had a late night and I didn’t get a chance to shower this morning so…

How did I get here, getting the stink eye from the bellhop and with me just begging for someone to say something about my trash bag so I can get some mad out? Squirt, a deeply nerdy Beatles fan, got a birthday gift this year - a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Paul McCartney in concert in The Big City. So why not go all out and get one of the biggest hotels with a room with a view? Walk to the concert, have a blast, and then come back to see the city lights.

Squirt’s view from the 35th floor with “PAUL GOT BACK” on the skyscraper a block away.

It all started two nights earlier when we arrived at the hotel in the rain. Spouse and I aren’t exactly world travelers but we have a method for checking in - I get the keys, we load our luggage onto the rack in the lobby, and then I park while they take the stuff up and I bring whatever was left in the car.

Except here there are no luggage racks. At least not for the guests to use, you understand? Just pull up to the valet and they’ll take care of your luggage and your car. How much does that cost? Well, sir, that’s not really a question we’re used to receiving here…are you sure you’re in the right place?

No, Mr. Valet dude, you won’t be taking my car. Just give us five minutes out of the rain and Spouse and Squirt will be on their way with some of their luggage and then I’ll be parking somewhere that isn’t $50 a night where I can’t even visit my car without talking, and tipping, you. No, Mr. Valet dude, I’m not leaving my car in your area here, I’ve only taken two steps away from the vehicle to hand something to Squirt. Yes I will move the car posthaste. You seem a lot more angry now that you won’t be getting my vehicle.

So I moved my car! Did I also drive the wrong way down a one-way street? Yup! And did I also get the car parked in a garage 10 feet from the fancy hotel for about half the going rate of the valet parking garage and without having to tip anybody? Why, yes I did. I even managed to park near a camera. And I can even visit my car later to get Spouse’s sunglasses and some garbage bags so it’s all coming up Dad right now.

I proceeded to cross the street and enter the swanky hotel wearing my grungy hoodie and t-shirt and jeans like the proud middle class guy that I am. Ah, the next trial: I have to figure out which elevators go to my floor. And scan my card before I hit the button so that I can go to my floor. Mind you, I can hit the wrong floor. Because I did…but it’s important that I scan my card first before going anywhere else in my elevator. For The Experience(tm), you understand.

Room located. View appreciated. Time to find some food. And we know just where to go, because this isn’t our first trip to The Big City and we do have some favorite restaurants. So we order a fair sized to-go order and Squirt and I venture out into the rain-slicked streets to get some grub. On the way back the next trial appears when Spouse sends me a text:

Because nothing says expensive hotel like not giving you a refrigerator. It’s part of The Experience(tm). Why would you ever do something as common as saving leftovers or buying a meal that you can split in half from your favorite Big City restaurant. Oh, wait…you just did that? Are you sure you’re in the right place? Here we order room service for every meal…make sure you tip well too.

And so the saga continued. You need hot water to make some instant cappuccino? You don’t have a kettle or a microwave. Really, though, you should just go to the cafe and buy yourself breakfast anyways. No, breakfast isn’t included, that’s for the middle class hotels and is far too common an experience here. There is a Starbucks in the lobby though, they’ll sell you hot water. Or you could always do room service. Again, you may not be in the right place, sir…

This is a luxury hotel so of course the internet isn’t free. Why would we give you an iron, shouldn’t you be sending your laundry out to be dry cleaned? We can do that for you, for a nominal fee. They could deliver room service and pick up your cleaning when they leave, perhaps.

So we bowed to The Experience(tm). In exhaustion, with no leftovers and no way to heat them if we had them, we ordered room service for our last dinner. Like Spouse said, “It’s the same prices as the place down the street and we’re tired.” And it was true, the two club sandwiches and a pizza were about 60 dollars. But then came the delivery charge. And the three 5 dollar cans of Sprite. And the taxes. And the gratuity charge that was, and I quote the room service person here, “a part of the tip usually.” All told our meal for three ballooned into a 100 dollar ‘experience.’

Ah, The Experience. One hell of a view but everything else kind of fucking sucks. I’m not rich enough to just toss money around left and right. And I’m not consumerist enough to throw out uneaten food and summon more for each meal. I don’t need to be taken care of, I just want to be given the chance to take care of myself. Park my own car. Carry my own bags. Keep a drink cold in a fucking refrigerator and heat up some cold leftovers from the night before.

So, yeah, you can keep your luxury hotel. Give me some free internet and some powdered eggs in the morning with bottomless black coffee and call me a middle class plebian.

Squirt Says…

I would agree with everything here. They were too expensive and charged too much money for basic things like a microwave or freezer. Of course not having those basic things is a rich and fancy thing.

I think that’s stupid. Very stupid.

Dad Responds…

Kinda neat that you could send me an eyeroll emoji. Granted you had to hear me bitch and moan about this for the whole trip so your take is a little biased already. 😉